Over half of children in America will experience their parents getting a divorce, and there’s no question it is stressful and challenging to adjust to. One of the best ways to make this easier for them is for both parents to have an active role in their child’s daily life, allowing the child to remain close to both. Having a good relationship with both parents strongly influences children’s mental and emotional well-being, decreases stress, and lowers the risk of anxiety and depression.
Parents going through divorce are often told how important it is to get along with the other parent and how vital co-parenting is, but no one helps them learn how to do it. So, of course, they do the best they can but often feel like they’re stumbling along without any help.
So, is it possible to successfully co-parent after a divorce?
The short answer is yes, and many people learn to overcome co-parenting challenges.
Co-parenting is hard, especially since emotions are often high during and after the divorce; however, the key is to take the focus off the two of you and instead focus on the child. Below are some tips on how to do this and help both of you get through the tough times.
Tips For Co-Parenting After Divorce
1. Set aside hurt and anger – To help your children, your hurt, anger, and resentment need to take a back seat to your child’s needs. No, this isn’t going to be easy, and it’s the most challenging part of learning to co-parent. However, it’s also the most vital.
Here are a few things you can do to separate your feeling from your behavior
● Get your feelings out another way – don’t vent to your children – they aren’t your friends. Instead, talk to friends, a therapist, a pet, or journal when you need to get your feelings out. Some people need to get their anger out physically, and this is where physical activity comes in. Do home improvement projects, take up kickboxing, yoga, or another physical activity you’d like to try.
● Stay kid-focused – When you get the urge to lash out or punish the other parent, focus on your kid and their interests. If your anger is overwhelming, take a time-out and focus on how much you love your child.
● Don’t use your kids as a messenger – Using a child to deliver messages between the two of you puts them in the middle of your conflict. The goal is to keep them out of the situation entirely, so call, text, or email your ex directly.
● Keep your issues to yourself – it may be tempting to say something negative about the other parent in front of your child. This is something that should never happen. It makes the child feel like they need to choose between the two of you. Your child has the right to have a healthy relationship with both parents.
2. Improve communication with each other – It may seem impossible, especially in the beginning to communicate with your ex, but it is possible. Think about communicating as if they were a business partner. The first rule is to ask yourself before contacting them is how your actions will affect your child and do your best to conduct yourself with dignity.
The following methods will help you to maintain effective communication.
● Listen – good communication starts with listening. Even if you end up disagreeing, you should be able to convey you understand their point of view. Listening doesn’t mean you agree with their opinion, but it does let them know you gave them the courtesy of listening, and hopefully, they’ll give you the same consideration.
● Make requests instead of demands – Instead of saying things “I want” or “we need,” form it as a question such as “can we?” or “how do you feel about….” Making a request gives the other party a sense of having a say instead of being told what to do.
● Show restraint – No one knows how to push your buttons as well as your ex. Remember that you’ll probably have to deal with them the rest of your life because you have a child together. You can train yourself not to overreact to your ex, and over time their digs will no longer bother you. And on the flip side, don’t take subtle jabs at them or make passive-aggressive comments.
● Keep the conversation kid-focused – Don’t talk about your needs or the ex-partner’s needs; instead, focus only on your child and their needs.
● Talk consistently with your ex – talking or meeting with your ex frequently will let your children know the two of you are working together and will help them feel secure. Also, kids learn quickly how to play one parent against the other (this is normal) and talking with each other before reacting will help prevent arguments.
● Ask your ex’s opinion – this isn’t always going to be easy, especially initially, but it is a good way to open a line of communication. In the beginning, it’s essential to start with an issue you don’t feel strongly about and work your way towards more important ones.
● Apologize – When you lash out or say something, you shouldn’t apologize for it. This may not always be easy, but it is the first step in healing and moving your relationship to one of a partnership.
● Be flexible – It may be tempting to be strict with time and refuse to bend. If your ex has a special outing planned and needs to be an hour late picking them up or dropping them off, let it go. Remember, it’s not about you; it’s about your child.
Summary
Co-parenting after a divorce involves choosing to do what’s best for your child even when it’s difficult. If you put your kid’s needs first without arguing every step of the way, things should work out for the best.
Contact a Michigan Divorce and Family Law Firm
There is so much to consider with divorce, especially when children are involved. As family law issues arise you want protection for everyone involved and an experienced divorce and family law attorney will make all the difference. Navigating the process of divorce with an attorney will help set the stage for a healthy new beginning so that you all can move forward with security.
Tower Karson Law in Livonia has both the experience and compassion you need to ensure the best possible outcome. We will evaluate your legal rights and identify the absolute best plan of action for you as we are backed by years of experience, and our divorce and family law attorneys can provide the honest as well as aggressive representation you deserve. Call for a Free Consultation today!