Marriage is hard, as is divorce, but often the hardest part is knowing when it’s important to keep trying and when the healthy decision is to file for divorce. Here we will look for common signs that a marriage has become impossible to save, and how to go about making such a difficult decision.
So is it time to file for divorce?
This is a complex question, but there are ways to find an answer. There are many signs that a marriage has passed its expiration date. Do you and your partner take time to let each other know you love each other? Do you make time for each other? Is there intimacy? Are you able to communicate openly about your feelings, and does your partner feel they can do the same with you? Your response to each of these questions can help point you in the direction of your answer.
The most common cause of divorce, outside of abuse or infidelity, is simply the changes that come with time. We make promises that we will be together forever, but none of us knows what our own future holds, or who we will become with the passing of time. The previous questions are a small sample of ways that you can examine your relationship with your spouse and determine if divorce is the right path for you; or, conversely, whether you should stay together, perhaps seek counseling, or consider changing the arrangement of your marriage and your life.
It is Okay to Think About Divorce, and it is Okay to Pursue a Divorce
Even if only one party in the marriage is interested in leaving, neither deserves to stay in a marriage where one or both wish to move on. There is no such thing as a ‘bad divorce.’ Divorce is not a monster that destroys happy marriages. It may be hard to see at the moment, but divorce is often the answer to years of unhappiness.
Yes, divorces can, and often do, get ugly, resentful, and unpleasant – but that is largely due to the process itself and the involvement of lawyers, dividing of assets, and, in some cases, a desire to hurt one’s former spouse after feeling hurt by the process. However, this can be avoided with proper communication, good lawyers, and maintaining respect for the love you shared with your former spouse.
Questions to Ask When Considering a Divorce
○ Are you unhappy because of your marriage, or are you blaming your marriage for unhappiness that is coming from another place?
○ Have you tried to communicate your feelings with your spouse? Did you feel heard? How did they respond?
○ Do you have kids with your spouse? What are their ages? When they look at you and your spouse, are they seeing a good example of what a loving marriage looks like?
○ Have you tried marriage counseling or couple’s therapy? If so, do you practice the techniques you’ve learned at home? Again, if so, how well do they work?
○ Is there something else that you want? Is it worth more to you than your marriage? Can you only have it or do it if you get a divorce?
○ Does your spouse seem distant, irritable, or unhappy with you? If so, have you tried to support them? Have you asked them how they feel about your marriage?
Once you’ve ascertained that a divorce is the proper course of action, it’s time to speak to your spouse about it, and decide if you want to get lawyers involved – and to what degree. This part of the process is generally when any ugliness will bubble to the surface, as each partner’s lawyer’s sole responsibility is taking care of their client (even if it means at the expense of others).
However, it is possible to get through this with minimal emotional damage by following the advice of your counsel and limiting communication to between your lawyers. If you have children, the issue of custody will come up, and it may be impossible to avoid contact with each other as the divorce progresses. It is absolutely recommended, however, that all communication outside of what’s relevant to the child/children be left to the lawyers until the process is complete.
Once the papers are signed, the assets divided, and the custody of any children you have has been agreed upon, the divorce is over and it’s time to move on with your life. It can be an incredibly ugly and grueling process. After all, people rarely marry if they aren’t in love, and having to face the fact that someone so important to you is no longer who they used to be, or that you yourself have changed, is difficult.
These difficult choices are a part of life, for better or for worse. For what it’s worth, the only thing worse than an ugly divorce, no matter how ugly, is staying in an unhappy marriage.
Related Questions
Is there a good time to ask for a divorce?
Yes and no. No, in the sense that it will always be a difficult conversation to have, and depending on the quality of communication you have with your spouse it can be an ugly topic to broach. Yes, in the sense that once you know divorce is what you want, you aren’t doing anyone any favors by waiting to talk about it. The right time is as soon as you feel confident and comfortable.
Is it better to stay in an unhappy marriage?
No. Often, you’ll hear people say things like ‘stay together for the kids.’ In that case, people underestimate a child’s ability to deal with pain and difficult circumstances, as well as their ability to perceive the unhappiness of their parents. So for you, your spouse, and even for your kids, it is better to end an unhappy marriage and move on to something that can bring you more joy. Remember, you’re also freeing them to find something better for themselves. Finally, your children will be healthier growing up with happy parents, even if those parents are separated.
Summary
Divorce is always a tough subject to talk about, let alone live through. However, life is full of tough subjects, and often it is those issues that make us stronger, more self-aware, and send us on a better path to our own happiness and understanding. There are questions you can ask yourself and your partner to see if divorce is the answer, and there are many resources and techniques you can try to save your marriage if you don’t think you’re ready to sign those papers yet.
However, if divorce is the answer, at the end of the day, that is okay, and it will be better for everyone involved to make that hard choice.
Start the process with trusted representation
Navigate your divorce with the support and sound advice from Tower Karson Law. Our divorce and family law firm located in Livonia has the local knowledge and experience you need. Our divorce attorneys provide unparalleled support and understand the challenging issues of family law. Contact our divorce law firm to schedule a Free consultation so you can start thinking of a new beginning.