When children come of age, we believe their psychological fate is sealed. However, traumatic events happen at any age and divorce is no exception. Just because parents and children are older, that doesn’t mean the impact of a parental split isn’t damaging. Rather than assigning blame to older adults deciding to part ways, it’s important to anticipate how children of any age may react while taking steps to ensure the split is as seamless and peaceful as possible.
So how does divorce later in life impact adult children?
Older couples divorcing or, “gray divorce” as it’s commonly referred to, is more common than you may think. In fact, more than 1 in 4 couples over the age of 50 are getting a divorce in the United States. Additionally, the divorce rate for older couples has more than doubled since the 1990s. Far from a unicorn phenomenon, just like middle-aged married couples, gray divorce can happen to anyone. So how do we help adult children of older couples cope with this late-stage adjustment? And why is it that older couples ultimately choose to part ways?
Why Does Gray Divorce Happen?
So why do older couples divorce after years and years of marriage? And why is this phenomenon on the rise? To address the latter, societal standards change just as relationships change. The taboo surrounding divorce has declined as our world progresses. As a result, many couples less comfortable pulling the trigger earlier in life now feel like their decision to divorce is less frowned upon and therefore easier.
Not to mention, women are more economically independent than ever before. Far from reliant on their partner for financial stability, if women are unhappy in marriage later in life, they’re more likely to have the resources to leave.
Finally, people are simply living longer. As time has progressed, so has life expectancy. Now that couples are reaching their 60s and 70s, oftentimes in strong health, they’re alive and well to make choices that poor health and shorter lifespans have stolen from generations past.
How Adult Children React to Gray Divorce
Let’s start with those most impacted by the divorce (aside from the couple divorcing, of course). If you think adults will handle the news better than their childhood selves, think again. Just because they’ve matured, doesn’t mean the idea that their parents’ (likely married for decades at this point) divorce can no longer disrupt their sense of peace and their sense of stability in the world.
Anger
When parents divorce later in life, it’s oftentimes the result of years and years of resentment. For many, the news of their parents’ late-stage divorce isn’t a surprise but prompts the question: why not sooner? And: had my parents divorced earlier, could we have avoided years of family tension? In this instance, the stress and resentment building between parents transfers to the adult children watching.
Grief
For those who saw it coming and those who didn’t, kids need to grieve their parents’ gray divorce. Regardless of whether it was overdue or out of the blue, the divorce represents the death of a dream for most – a dream that their family will remain the way it’s always been.
Silence
When adult children tell friends and family they’re “fine” after watching older parents split, they’re not always being truthful. As adults, we’re expected to handle tough moments far better than we would as children. As a result, many adult children are hesitant to seek professional help or confide in their loved ones. In contrast, we often rush to ensure young children of divorce have adequate counseling and emotional support. Just because we’ve aged, that doesn’t mean we should be cut off from the professional help we so often require.
How To Navigate the Unique Difficulty of Gray Divorce?
Much of the advice professionals preach to younger couples divorcing remains the same. The best thing parents can do for their adult children is work to make the split as amicable as possible. Parents should never expect children to take sides and the best way to prevent unnecessary competition is to communicate with your partner and make sure the narrative you’re relaying to adult children is consistent. The same story with no villain and no hero.
Finally, whether you’re divorcing yourself or are watching your older parents split up, seek professional help. Regardless of your relationship with your family, divorce is hard on everyone. Providing resources for your adult children, even if they claim to be “doing just fine” will help proactively prevent suppressed emotional responses from escalating.
Divorce is Not an End to Everything
There’s no shame in divorce, even and especially if you’re over the age of 50. While it takes work to overcome the hardships associated with a family divided, it is possible to minimize drama, downfall, and tension, whether you’re an older adult divorcing or an adult child watching it unfold. So as your marriage is ending, it’s time to embrace a new beginning by making sure your rights and interests are protected.
Seeking legal counsel and hiring and experienced divorce attorney is probably the most important part of the divorce process. Proper representation in dealing with delicate family law issues results in a positive outcome for all parties involved.
The divorce and family law attorneys at Tower Karson Law Offices in Livonia are a strong team that are prepared to protect your rights and assets and achieve a just and fair resolution to your case. Every divorce is different, and we tackle every case with an individualized, custom approach. If you have questions about divorce or family law issue, contact our divorce law firm to set up a Free Consultation.